Rayanne Graff

Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away . . .

Wed, 26 Jun 2002 05:44:42 GMT

So, I hear Angela Chase is, like, actually contemplating Brian Krakow. In more than a, like, neighbour way. Which is, like, totally mind-boggling to me. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. I mean, not like I care, but it just, like, totally made me realize that. Because a few months ago, I would have known this before she even did. And now, I have to hear about it from, like, other sources. It's just weird, is all.

Anyhow, Amber went out of town on some, like, thing with Rusty. I think she's gone for a bit, though I'm not entirely sure just when she'll get back. I'd contemplate having a party if, like, I had any money or friends and I wasn't trying not to drink.

At least she made it to opening night of the play. Which, I think, like, wasn't horrible. I mean, I felt like I kind of did an okay job. We have two more performances left, so, like, then I have to come up with something new to do. It's just been, like, this huge part of my life for so long . . . and, no, not like Angela Chase. This isn't about that. It's about the play. And now the play is over, and I just have to, like, move past it. Because dwelling on the past is stupid. It's not like you can change it, even if you, like, wanted to. Which I don't, because I enjoyed being in the play. Which is what I'm talking about.

I didn't see her there. But, like, it's hard to tell with all of the lights in your face and having to actually concentrate on the play and not scanning the audience for people. Besides, it's not like I care, really. I was just looking out there for Amber and then noticed that I didn't see her. That's all.

Like, oh my God

Sat, 22 Jun 2002 20:00:26 GMT

So the play is, like, opening in two days. It feels like the rehearsals have been going on forever. But, then, now that it's actually time, I feel like I am totally not ready. I can't play Emily. No, seriously, what was I thinking? I always do this. I, like, always just go and do something, and then I wind up in a totally bad situation.

And before you say it, no, I'm not even thinking about the whole, like, Jordan Catalano thing. I am so over that. God, it was just sex. I guess some people are just, like, way too uptight about the whole thing. Really, how stupid is it to get that upset over something that is, like, just over in two seconds. It didn't mean anything. Not everything has to mean something.

I saw her in the hall today. I mean, not that I care. But I just - she was there, and I saw her. Going into Geometry, I think. God, not like I have her schedule, you know, memorized or anything. I just know where the classroom is. So, yeah, anyway, I don't know if she saw me. I waited a moment, for some stupid reason. It's like part of me hasn't realized that it's just, like, over. I actually waited a moment, as if I expected her to just come, like, running up to me with some big news or something. Seriously, how messed up is that? Then I remembered - which, like, not that I forgot, just a part of me - so I went into the bathroom. Not to, like, avoid her, but just because I needed to do my hair. Despite what Rickie would say, like, not everything I do is about her.

I hear she has her own journal now too. Just, like, people have told me. So - if she's, like, reading this . . . you know - I'm sorry, I guess.

Gotta run

Sun, 07 Apr 2002 22:06:14 GMT

No time for a real entry right now. We're, like, having a meeting about the play in about, like, 5 mintues, and it's just insane. I mean, okay, so I had no idea this play would become this whole big thing. Cause, like, when you're not in it, you really don't care. It sounds so mean, but it's, like, it's true, right? You see the posters, and that's about it. But then, like, when you're actually in it . . . it practically becomes your life.

So, yeah, we're getting nearer to the day, and it's just - it's crazy. And I totally don't have time to contemplate this right now. So - y'know . . . maybe I'll write more later. Or not. This whole journal thing is pretty stupid anyway, when you think about it.

You just kinda wasted my precious time . . .

Fri, 05 Apr 2002 04:29:21 GMT

I think I'm, like, reaching an unhealthy level of obsession over Angela Chase. I totally cannot believe I'm still caring about this whole big thing. I mean, seriously, it's just time to move on. I am so through thinking about her. And I am really through trying to talk to her. If she doesn't want to talk, then fine.

And, seriously, just because I happen to show up in the washroom right as she does, does not mean I've been following her. Okay, so, yeah, I saw her go in there. But I always hang out in there. It's like - totally my place. Everyone knows that. So when I went in, it had nothing to do with her.

So, she gets all mad at me again, telling me to just leave her alone and everything. God, like, what did she think I was trying to do, seriously? We both go to the same school. It's only so big. Of course we're gonna run into each other now and then. Sheesh.

I am so through with trying to be her friend again. I mean, what kind of person forgives Jordan Catalano and not me?

And I've decided to just, like, not bother with my extra ticket. Amber's got the night off, so she's coming to the play. It's not like I need two people in the audience anyway. So - yeah, I'll just give it to Abyssinia, cause she's got a whole bunch of her family coming . . . So they can, like, just use it or whatever.

The strangness of this world abounds . . .

Wed, 03 Apr 2002 23:51:17 GMT

So, today, like, Brian Krakow of all people wound up hanging out with me. Just for, like, the slightest of minutes, but man, was it weird. I went to talk to Rickie, but he had to see Mr. Katimsky about something - so then, like, Brian came up and was also waiting for Rickie, and there was a definite vibe that we were hanging together. I mean, he basically just stammered something about Delia Fisher and how he had to ask Rickie something - seriously, like I cared, right? I don't know why he's always feeling the need to justify, like, his existence or something. It's so strange.

Yeah, so, anyway, I just kinda gave him a 'whatever', then decide I didn't really need to see Rickie that badly. I blew off the rest of the day, and just wound up driving around the city with Tino. He was supposed to, like, meet up with this guy who was going to . . . well, I'm not really sure what, but they had definite plans. But the guy wound up flaking, which made Tino, like, majorly mad.

I got back to school in time for rehearsal, and then Angela was there. I think she and Rickie are, like, hanging out tonight or something. I don't really care. But, yeah, cause they waited through rehearsal, and then I think I saw them leaving with Mr. K. Maybe they were going over there, I dunno. Whatever, it's not a big deal, I was just mentioning it. The thing is though . . . I mean, she didn't even look at me. How can you watch a rehearsal and somehow not ever once look at, like, the main character?

Some people . . .

Wed, 03 Apr 2002 05:51:00 GMT

Rickie Vasquez is just entirely too uptight, I gotta say. I mean, seriously, just because I, like, ask about Angela does not mean I'm putting him in the middle. I just wanna know if she talks about me at all. I mean, like, if she's saying bad things. What's the big deal in that? Besides, he's in the middle. That boy needs to, like, just deal with that. Because that's how it is. If he doesn't like it, he could try trading places with me. Cause being in the middle means you're, like, everyone's friend, right? You can't be in the middle unless you've got people who care about you on both sides, right? So, yeah, I'd totally take that.

Sometimes I feel so lonely . . .

Tue, 02 Apr 2002 13:29:13 GMT

So, yeah, like, there's this thing at Tino's tonight, and I'm really supposed to go, I guess. And Jordan is probably gonna be there, since he's, like, supposed to be there too. I don't know what's up with him and Angela at all, but, like, I guess there's a chance she might come too, right? And then maybe we could talk. Or not. She's still avoiding me, but that's, like, at school. So maybe being not at school . . . she'll slip up or something. Hey, it could happen.

I still have my, y'know, extra ticket for the play. I gues it's not really a huge deal if I just . . . don't ask anyone else. I mean, who would I ask, honestly? I mean, we get two, right? Comps or whatever. So Amber's got the one, but then . . . Well, maybe Sharon would come. I bet she's that type of girl who would totally, like, just come just because. Well, I guess I'll ask her today. Y'know, if I see her around.

I'm late!

Mon, 01 Apr 2002 13:39:31 GMT

I'm supposed to, like, be at rehearsal now. I overslept, I guess. I fell asleep on the couch, and I just now woke up, cause Amber, like, just left for work. I wish she would have, y'know, woken me up when she came in last night or something. But she always says how she hates to wake me and all. Y'know, whatever.

So, yeah, I'd better get going. Man, I can't believe she didn't wake me up . . .

Okay, so

Mon, 01 Apr 2002 07:19:17 GMT

I had no idea this whole play thing would, like, become my life. As we get closer to the, y'know, opening night or whatever - it's like we're rehearsing all the time. It's a good thing I never really bothered with the whole homework thing, or otherwise I'd be . . . well, screwed.

Amber is stoked about the whole play thing. So at least I know I'll have one person there on opening night. So, like, it really doesn't matter if Angela Chase comes or not. Well, except that it does . . . But, whatever.

My, isn't the moonlight terrible?

Sun, 31 Mar 2002 22:26:01 GMT

I don't get why she won't forgive me. Okay, well, I do get why she's mad, but if she'd only just listen to my side of things, then she'd know that I never meant for any of this. I mean, she knew I was, like, a screw-up when she started hanging out with me, right? So it's not really fair to, like, hold it against me when I do, y'know, screw-up.

Okay, yeah, that excuse sucks. But still - I wish she'd just talk to me. Hell, even if she'd look at me, that'd be a start. The play opens soon - we're having practices, like, all the time. I really want her to come to the opening. Maybe she will anyway, since she helped with the sets a little.

Ah, whatever.

So, yeah, like hi or whatever

Sun, 31 Mar 2002 06:23:17 GMT

I decided to, y'know, get a journal. I dunno why, really. Guess it's just . . . nice to have someone to talk to. Aside from Sharon, I mean. Seriously, that girl is just - way too chipper. Anyhow, so . . . yeah, hi.